Alice in Rebellion

So, this has been hard for me to come on here and say this because it requires a level of vulnerability that I wasn’t quite ready to share until now. So here goes...

Down the rabbit hole

Solo van life with my cat in Spain

This summer, I travelled through Europe for three months, and I’d say about 50% of that time was spent in solitude, meaning there was lots of time for reflection. During this time, I had a profound realisation about past me; I realised that I wasn't happy, and more importantly, I now understand why.

Don't get me wrong, past me was a total badass. She travelled the world, got herself a Master's in Neuroscience and lived in 3 different countries. She was fearless. She started dirt jumping at 28 years old, despite some saying that might be "too old" to do so. I'm so grateful for all the risks past me took for moving to a new country and travelling alone; it has filled my memory bank with precious moments and wild experiences. And I'm grateful for all the hard work she put into learning dirt jumping, this gnarly sport where you literally launch yourself off dirt lips on a mountain bike and hope you land it without dying... She did the damn thing!

After some reflection, I understand now that past me was operating from a lack mindset: the belief that I was never enough, and that there was never enough to go around. That mindset kept me trapped in comparison, chasing validation, and overworking to prove my worth.

That version of me ran on old programs. Even through all the travelling and fun, she was full of self-doubt, using adventures and relationships as distractions, and following someone else’s dreams instead of her own. She was emotionally unavailable, afraid to speak up, and convinced that blending in was safer than standing out. It's sad to think that I felt so unworthy and broken inside; even when I was making lots of progress in dirt jumping, it never felt good enough. This lack of self-worth meant that I felt I needed to prove I was good enough to be a part of the mountain biking community, that I needed a certain level of skill and had a certain number of followers and likes on social media before I could reach out to other riders in the community.

Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve been there too. Maybe you’re there right now.

Through the glass

The truth is, I wasn’t broken. I was conditioned.

Conditioned to think my work and purpose were supposed to be unenjoyable and drain me. Conditioned to believe “success” required sacrificing my health and joy. Conditioned to believe my partner was someone I served. Conditioned to suppress my emotions until they boiled over as anger. Conditioned to perform. To be perfect. To always put on a show.

Dr. Renee Engeln’s term “beauty sickness” sums it up perfectly. It’s the constant self-monitoring, pressure to be perfect, and belief that beauty defines value, which ends up stealing time, joy, and freedom from the things that truly matter. This sickness bled into my riding. I believed that everyone at the dirt jumps was scrutinising my every move. I believed I had to be flawless and constantly prove my worth before I belonged. That I couldn’t post on social media unless it was perfect. That I had to always be improving, filming, hustling for sponsors.

But where did that mindset come from?

It turned dirt jumping, something I loved, into something that felt heavy and draining. I was chasing validation instead of joy. I wasn’t confident enough to make friends, and if I didn’t try something new, I felt like a failure. I even pressured myself into entering Speed & Style at Crankworx when I was nowhere near ready. When I couldn’t clear the first jump, I cried for the rest of the day, devastated that I’d spent so much time and effort getting to Austria just to “fail.” Looking back, I missed the real point. Making friends. Sharing stoke. Enjoying the ride. But that outdated mindset didn’t allow for any of it.

I had to burn the old programming to the ground. And once I did, everything shifted.

Break the damn glass

When I stopped performing for approval and started riding for me, dirt jumping revealed its truest form: rebellious art. Dirt jumpers literally build sculptures in the woods, not for competition or prize money, but to ride with friends. Nobody cares who’s sponsored. Nobody’s keeping score. It’s just flow, fun, and freedom.

Once I rebelled internally, I was free to be stoked, messy, scared, and genuinely happy. I realised that I was the only one scrutinising my every move, that the guys at the jumps were just stoked I was there, they didn't give a shit about the performance I had been pressuring myself into. I finally made real friends as my authentic self, and we have the best times without ever feeling the need to broadcast it on social media. Once I gave myself permission, I unlocked who I really was. Someone who is raw, messy, brilliant and unapologetic. And life has genuinely been far better than I could've imagined.

Breaking free from that conditioning didn’t just change my riding; it unlocked my true power.

Mindset & Life Coaching

So why am I telling you all this personal stuff? Well, I want to reach out to anyone who is feeling the way that I used to. I want to reach out and tell you that I understand. Because maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you’re still there. And maybe you need to hear this:

You’re not alone, and you don’t need to hide anymore.

This isn’t about me giving you the quick fix. You already have the power. Maybe you just need a nudge to unlock it.

So if you’re done performing, done proving, and ready to rebel against the old programmes that don’t serve you…

Let's connect and see how I can help you in your journey!